2012 Royal Rumble Review w/Nightmare Thoughts

This match was better than I expected but was still an average match. Let me start by saying that any match with Mark Henry is not going to be anything spectacular. I would like to say that Big Show is the same way, but honestly the man can flat out work. The match was short, less than ten minutes, and it felt it too. When the match was over my first thought was "uh was it supposed to end like that?" I'm guess it ended the way it was supposed to but, really? Mark Henry was working hurt with a pulled groin, and something of an injured foot. All in all we need to be done this Giants vs. Daniel Bryan thing. The big guys can hardly work, and Daniel Bryan (in fact most wrestlers) can't work with them because it's too hard to move them around. There weren't any "high risk" spots, and very few spots using the cage as a weapon. I was very bored by this match, the only one who impressed me was the Big Show showing off spears and high kicks. The match ended with Big Show trying to prevent Bryan from escaping over the top of the cage by holding him up, with one hand, suspended above the floor below. It didn't last long though, and Show let him drop. There is no b*tching this time, Bryan escaped clean and just won the match fairly.

Winner: STILL World Heavyweight Champion Daniel Bryan

Overall grade: C to C+ Might have been higher if it went longer

Yeah some stuff happened, the women looked sexy, especially the Bellas. Then Beth Phoenix kicked ass and showed why she's a great wrestler and the champion. FYI, I went to pee during this match cause I really had to. Then I got some cookies. They were yummy.

Winner: Beth Phoenix and other heel divas

Overall grade: C for effort

Let me just start by saying, the reason EVERYONE who has a problem with John Cena was self evident throughout this ENTIRE match from the second he took a step through the curtain. This WHOLE Kane rivalry is supposed to be about how Cena is "embrassing the hate", that is why we watched him make his "I am taking a big poop" face last week on Raw after Ryder left in the ambulance. Cena was SO mad and SO full of rage that he....did nothing on Raw. Then during the Rumble Cena comes out and he is smiles, walks out with excitement and energy, does his solute, runs down, tosses his hat to the crowd, points and winks at a fan. Man what a nice, HAPPY guy. Oh wait, shouldn't he still be PISSED that his friend was sent to the hospital SIX DAYS AGO?! Or was it that John really did just have to take a dump really bad on Raw?

Ok back to the actual match. It was television quality, not Pay Per View quality. For those who don't understand the difference (honestly don't feel bad if you don't it took me a while to notice the differences) matches for television are slower with more peaks and valleys of excitement. PPV matches on the other hand should go all out. The reason TV matches tend to be more up and down in excitement is because they have to go to commercial break during the matches. Last night I honestly felt like they were about to go to break 2 or 3 times. Neither of these guys were "giving it there all". The match was forgettable at best.

On top of all that, this match was a singles match. Just a straight up wrestling match. Again going with the theme of Kane making Cena hate him, and embrace hate, etc. Shouldn't this have been a last man standing or hardcore or falls count anywhere or SOMETHING. There was NO stipulation to this match. As a result this match ended in the only way that makes sense, a double count out. Wow what a ridiculously lame ending for all the weeks of building.

Winner: No one, I literally mean we all lost.

After the match ended, Kane and Cena continued their fight to the backstage area. Where, of course, Zack Ryder had been wheeled into a special room. Kane goes in and attacks him. Kane then drags him down the ring and tombstones him as Eve cries for him not to, Cena then runs down to make the save, but gets chokeslammed himself. **rubs eyes and sighs** GAHHH!! Is this Raw?! I'm PAYING for this. This is EXACTLY what has been happening the last few weeks! I pay good money to see the END of a rivalry! If I wanted to continue to see the same sh*t I would keep the 50 bucks and watch Raw!

Overall grade: D! And be grateful you got that!

**SIGH** UGHHHHH. SO MANY MEAN THINGS TO SAY!

So Drew McIntyre, you know, the talented wrestler who is on a losing streak for NO DAMN REASON. Yeah he lost to Earnest "The Cat" Miller, I mean fat Godfather, I mean Brodus Clay. I hate this gimmick. I mean I hate hate hate hate hate his gimmick. I have heard people say they love it, and it will help him get over. Etc etc. I have heard the arguments. It's a dumb gimmick that while mildly amusing, isn't going to get him to the main event ever. Mean while he's not even WRESTLING in the ring. He's a God awful wrestler. He can't sell, or doesn't either way. When he was doing this to jobbers, it made me grimace. When he did it to low carders, it slightly bothered me. NOW he's doing this to guys like Heath Slate which really bothers me, and DREW MCINTYRE, who is SO above this! I realize now in retrospect the reason WWE didn't put him in the Rumble is because they didn't want to make him "look bad." I could easily see Drew McIntyre as a World Champion one day. I can't say the same about the "Funkasaurus", yet we're pushing this crap! **smacks WWE in the face** That's a BAD WWE! Stop that! Bad!

Winner: *twitch* Brodus Clay

Overall grade: F!

Ahhh my port in the storm of crap that is this PPV thus far. John Laurinatis comes out first, followed by Dolph Ziggler with Vickie Guerrero, then Punk. Laurinatis announces he is not going to be the official for the match, but that he will be supervising the referee from the outside of the ring. The match almost starts when Laurinatis gets in the ring and ejects Vickie from ringside. Wow that was cool of him....wait isn't that EXACTLY what was supposed to happen. Vickie and Jack Swagger were supposed to be banned from ringside. How dumb does WWE think we are?! Bah. I'm grumpy with this event. Anyway, with Vickie gone we get the match underway. This match was exactly the band-aid this event needed. The wrestling is flat out great. Punk is the guy who carries this company now. He can work any type of match you want, technical, high flying, mat, brawl, etc. He can work it all and work it better than everyone else. Dolph shows he's no push over either because he wrestles a great match too. The match has several false finishes which really gets the crowd going. The ref gets knocked out and Punk gets a tap out and two pins with no one to officiate and declare a win. Once the ref comes to, Dolph rolls up Punk and grabs the tights but can only get a two count. Punk ends up hitting the GTS and pinning Ziggler again, this time as the ref is counting to three Laurinatis runs in and counts 1-2-3 with him.

Winner: STILL WWE Champion CM Punk

Overall grade: Solid A

Well that was a nice reprieve, but we're back to one of the worst Royal Rumble matches I've ever seen. To top it off, for no real reason either. WWE could have made it a solid Rumble, but went with comedy and bad gimmicks for zero reason. I won't go into excruciating detail about the rumble, there's too much happening to cover it all. I will, however, hit the major points and cover some of the notes I took during the Rumble, because if I bothered to make notes you b*tches are going to have to read them.

First note, they WASTED at very least 7 of 30 Rumble spots. That's 23% of the Rumble participants. Don't believe me? Michael Cole (don't EVEN get me started there), Jerry Lawler, Booker T, Ricardo Rodriguez, Hacksaw Jim Duggan, Kharma, and Mic Foley. I know some people are going to argue with me on some of those, but let's face it. Mic Foley is as slow as Tommy Dreamer these days. Kharma is a girl, and yes WWE is a sexist place where a Diva's match will never main event, that's not my opinion that's fact. Jim Duggan is almost 60 years old. Ricardo isn't even a wrestler. King and Booker T are "retired" and are announcers now, and Michael Cole...*shudders* lets move on before I set something on fire. I don't consider Road Dog a waste because he still had it when he was in there, even though lets face it he pretty much was a wasted entree.

Next point, now I am not a huge advocate of the "Royal Rumble Return" that WWE has started doing almost every year. That said, there were zero huge Royal Rumble moments. If I had to pick the most memorable moment of the match I'd give it to Kofi Kingston for doing a handstand on the outside and walking himself, on his hands, back to the stairs. Definitely a great moment there. That said, with Chris Jericho returning three weeks ago, only to be doing....NOTHING on Raw....probably could have held him off and had him return at the Rumble. "Well Nightmare Phantom what if they are trying to do CM Punk vs. Chris Jericho at WrestleMania, they don't want Jericho to be a face too!" Well that's a good point random internet fan who sounds a lot like me, God knows WWE doesn't want to do a rivalry with two faces. Like say....John Cena vs. The Rock. *snaps fingers* Oh well. Lord knows we couldn't just put Jericho as a face vs Punk as a face, or even *gasps* let the FANS decided who THEY want to cheer for.

I am happy with Sheamus as the winner. Sheamus has really started to grow on me and he's been putting in his dues the last year. He moved to Smackdown and floated around midcard hell for a while there. He has really started to earn his main event spot. I am always a fan, too, of the Royal Rumble being won by an upper midcard wrestler who can use the Royal Rumble as a way to launch themselves into the main event.

I was also happy with the last 10 minutes of the Rumble being just Jericho vs. Sheamus. Those two guys both to the opportunity they had to shine and tore the house down together. Well done to both of those guys for showing they deserve the attention of the fans.

I was really unhappy with the eliminations being so quick again this year. I lost count of how many entrees came in, and were eliminated before the next superstar entered 90 seconds later. Maybe if there had been more REAL talent in the event that wouldn't have happened. I feel bad for wrestlers who didn't wrestle in the Rumble because a Michael Cole or Kharma took their spot. Curt Hawkins, Drew McIntyre, Yoshi Tatsu my thoughts are with you guys. Overall I felt the talent pool for the Rumble was WEAK too. Very disappointed with my favorite event this year.

Winner: Sheamus

Overall grade: C, C+ at very best.

OVER ALL ROYAL RUMBLE GRADE: D+, C- at best. Saved by CM Punk/Dolph Ziggler and Sheamus/Jericho